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I missed you!

Posted by Mick on September 2, 2010 – 8:08 pm

It’s like this…

I didn’t mean to take a long break.  I meant to take a few short breaks.  I wanted to get out from under the pressure of writing every day.  And then one day off turns into three days off, which turns into 5 days off.  At this point, I feel bad because I haven’t written.  Once the guilt starts, the real avoidance begins.  If I don’t think about it, I won’t feel guilty.

I also won’t write, because I’m avoiding thinking about writing.

Clearly, what we need in this situation is a sense of balance.  Unfortunately, I like balance.  Wait, did I say “like”?  That was supposed to be “lack”.  I lack balance.  I guess you could say I like balance.  Although I guess technically if YOU said “I like balance” then you would actually be saying that you like balance, and frankly that takes us away from the entire point of the story.  Let’s all try that again.

It could be said that I like balance, if  we can all agree that by using the word “like” I’m actually saying that I appreciate balance.  I can see how for some people it would be an attractive thing.  It’s not something I have much experience with.

Consistency would be another nice trait.  A fanatical immersion into a topic, a genre, or an activity in which one becomes an expert, spending years focused on the same thing… that could be nice.  I’m surrounded by friends and acquaintances who have been able to pull that off.    Alas, that isn’t me either.  My life is one near fanatical immersion after another. Life is a banquet, and I want to sample every dish. 

Ultimately, none of that matters, though.  What matters is that I miss writing.  I’ve been beating myself up night after night, thinking I should sit down and write something, and then feeling bad because I don’t.  And of course, what sucks the most is that I’m relatively certain that if I did sit down and write, I’d feel better.  Writing makes me feel good, even when it’s about nothing other than my feelings. 

Does that sound emo?  I AM NOT EMO!  Must stop the whining.  And I am stopping the whining, because I’m actually sitting down and writing.  That’s a good thing.  It’s a step.  Now I simply have to find that oh so elusive “balance”. 

Clearly, writing each and every day kept me focused.  There was no gray – I wrote every day.  Looking back, it was a bit obsessive compulsive, though.  I should be allowed to take a day off here and there.  The problem is, I seem to only understand two speeds.  Full speed ahead, and stopped.  Every day, or never. 

On the plus side of the column, I’m watching more film.  Tara and I recently acquired a 47″ LG flat panel TV, which led to a Blu-Ray player, which finally brought the wonders of streaming Netflix in to the house, all of which got me to stop neglecting my film habit.  I realized that I had Netflix discs on my shelf that had been there for (and it shames me to say this) a few months.  Just sitting there, collecting dust.  Now I’m watching the discs I get at a reasonable clip, but I’m watching even more via the streaming interface.  It seems that instant gratification rubs me the right way. 

And now, we get to the interesting part of the story…  What got me off my ass and on the keyboard this evening? 

My truck is broken.  Again.  Last night, Tara and I were going to Georgetown to have dinner with her brother.  He’s staying at his parent’s house (taking care of my mother-in-law’s two dogs) while they are touring England and Scotland.  He was grilling hamburgers.  I like hamburgers.  Seemed like a no-brainer. 

Tara usually drives when we go anywhere.  As I get older, I’ve discovered that I much prefer riding to driving.  This wasn’t always the case.  In my younger years, I was always the person who drove.  I think it was a control issue.  I’m getting much more comfortable relinquishing control.  Tara likes to drive, and she always knows the best way to get wherever we’re going.  Once again, it’s a no-brainer. 

Last night, I decided to drive.  Tara’s had a rough week at work, and I thought this would be a nice thing to do for her.  So we loaded up the truck and we moved to Beverly headed to Georgetown.  Somewhere around Round Rock, I noticed the funny sound.  A thump thump thump whenever I slowed down. 

That’s never a good sign.

To make a long story short, if it’s not already too late for that, my brother-in-law spent today trying to fix it, and informed me this evening that he can’t.  He’s not sure what’s wrong, although he did isolate several things that it isn’t, so at least some progress was made.  That leaves me with two options: Take it to a garage, or wait for my father-in-law to get home.  On the one hand, I dislike the idea of having my truck waiting in the driveway when he gets back from his vacation.  On the other hand, I know he hates it when we take a vehicle to a garage. 

This is exactlythe type of thing that throws me into a tailspin.  I don’t like making decisions about things I know nothing about.  I know nothing about cars.  My truck is broken, I don’t know what on my truck is broken, I don’t know what to do about my truck being broken… I’m freaking out.  I shouldn’t freak out.  I know this.  If this was anyone else’s problem, I could logically look at the situation and advise them of the proper course of action.  But this is MY problem, so I’m freaking out. 

Welcome to my world. 

So, I write.  It helps.  I feel somewhat better.  I’m still freaking out, but it’s a manageable freak out.  My truck is still broken, but life is still good.  I’ve got a wonderful wife.  We have a second car.  I’ve got a brother-in-law who will continue to work on my truck next week once my father-in-law helps him figure out what’s wrong.  My father-in-law is an electrical and mechanical genius.  Did I mention I have a wonderful wife who tolerates my freak outs?  Between them, my in-laws will likely fix my truck for a fraction of what it would cost me to have it fixed in a garage.  These are all good things. 

And I’m on my blog again.  That’s the best thing.  I missed you all.

Be good to each other.

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