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This one will get Spammed.

Posted by Mick on May 4, 2010 – 12:11 am

I wish I had something deep and meaningful to discuss with you tonight.

Unfortunately for you, I was reading earlier.  Well, I wasn’t really reading Reuters, that’s a bit too “newsy” for me.  I was reading Reuters “Oddly Enough”, because the articles there are usually a bit more to my taste.  There’s some messed up stuff out there.  Tonight was no exception.

To my mother, and any members of my extended family who may stumble upon this, you might want to stop reading here.  You will not approve.

My family aren’t necessarily prudes, but they don’t always appreciate discussions of a penile nature.  And we’re about to talk about penises.  Then again, it’s really ok, because at least some of the penises are aboriginal in nature, and that’s the kind of thing you see in National Geographic magazine.  You will not, however, be seeing any penises in this article.

According to this story, published April 25, the Police Chief in Papua (that’s Papua the province of Indonesia, also known as West Papua, not to be confused with Papua New Guinea, which is right next door and a Papua of a different color) has decreed that henceforth, men who have had their penis enlarged will not be allowed to serve on the police force.

Why in the world would having a penis enlargement render you unfit for police service?  The unnatural size causes a “hindrance during training”.  That’s a quote from the original article, which was also evidently a quote from a police rep.

This frighten me, because it means that A) there is a penis enlargement method that works, and it works so well it stops you from serving on the police force and the military.  The military?  Did I forget to mention that this will also render you unfit for military service?  Sorry about that.  This (this being the penis enlargement) will render you unfit for military service.  But I digress.  It also means B) enough men are doing this, and doing it successfully, that they had to make a formal rule about it.  And C) there’s a working technique that makes your penis larger, evidently freakishly larger, and no one here seems to know about it.

Well, now I know about it.  You simply take the leaves from the “gatal-gatal” tree and wrap them around your johnson.  I can’t find much information on the “gatal-gatal” tree, but Reuters does kindlytranslate the word for me.  It means itchy.  So a Papuan man will rub something similar to poison ivy on his little Papua, which then swells from the allergic reaction.  And they call that “penis enlargement”.

Even my spam folder makes better promises than that.

Since this story is a bit old, I was able to find mentions of it on countless blogs and websites.  I like reading them, too, and finding how many of them screw the story up.  My favorite today was this one, where the writer took a filler paragraph that mentioned that Papua is not only Indonesia’s eastern-most province but it’s also home to many native Papuan’s, who occasionally wear penis gourds, and decide to merge it into the rest of the story, so that now the men are making the gourds from the “gatal-gatal” leaves.  Gourds aren’t made, they are grown.  Squash, pumpkins, zucchini… these are gourds.

LESSON:  Just because two things are in proximity to each other does not make them related.  Even if they both involve a penis.  Penis gourds and penis enlargement leaves are very different things, possibly used by different men.  Some men (let’s call them Group A) wear penis gourds for cultural reasons.  Some men (for continuity’s sake we’ll refer to them as Group B) rub leaves on their wieners to make them grow.  Group A is kinda cool.  Group B… kinda lame.

And right about now, if you’re anything like me, and you must be because you’ve hung around this long, you’re wondering what a penis gourd is anyway.  Lucky for you, I did the research.  This is a penis gourd.

The koteka, or penis gourd, is also known as a phallocrypt.  Sounds like something an anthropologist made up.  I like it.  Phallocrypt.  But I digress.  That, my friends, is a penis gourd.  It’s exactly what it looks like.  It’s a gourd that the Papauns shape as it grows.  Once it’s just as they want it, it’s plucked from the vine, and cleaned and dried.  The exact process is a mystery to me, although I recall my grandmother doing much the same thing.  Not for penis use, of course, I think she made bird houses and folk art from them.

Once the gourd is dry, it’s decorated, and a loop is added on to it.  The loop goes around the scrotum, to hold the koteka in place, covering the tallywhacker.  Many men will have multiple koteka, a smaller one for work, and a larger, more ornate one for social events.  I’m guessing the picture above is a dress koteka.

You can tell a man’s tribe by the angle of his koteka.  I wish that was a joke.  It’s true, though.  Different tribes wear the koteka differently, some angling up, some down, some to the side.

Is that a koteka in your pants, or are you just happy to see me.  I wish that was a better joke.  The koteka is not worn under pants.  It’s worn instead of pants.

I wouldn’t mind wearing one, but I want to line the inside of mine in silk.  I’m afraid the gourd might chafe.

Be good to each other.

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