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Hummingbirds, webcams, and dysthymia

Posted by Mick on April 22, 2010 – 7:27 pm

I’m back again, with another daily peek into the strange and bizarre place that is my mind.

Before I get into that, though, I want to share this with you.  Phobe Allens WebCam.  Phoebe is a hummingbird.  A Channel Islands Allen’s Hummingbird, to be exact.  The Channel Islands variety of the Allen’s hummingbird is non-migratory, as opposed to the regular Allen’s hummingbird.  As if you didn’t know that.  But I digress.

Phoebe has built a nest in the same rosebush for several years, and the owner of the rose bush decided to put up a webcam in 2007.  It’s wonderful.  Right now, Phoebe is building a new nest, in preparation for laying a clutch of eggs.  The camera is only a few inches from her nest, so you can see her up close and personal.  So close, in fact, that she’s bigger on your screen than she is in real life.  It’s fascinating.  I watched it quite a bit today as I was working on other things.  If you turn the sound up, you can hear her wings when she takes off and lands.

A also got a kick out of watching the chat going on.  There seems to be a group of regulars who meet on Phoebe’s webcam and talk about Phoebe, and whatever else comes to mind.  I love how the internet creates these little pockets of social interaction, people who would never meet or talk otherwise, people who might never meet or talk with anyone else, and they find these strange little places where they meet others and make friendships.  It’s a wonderful thing.

My mom has a group of friends that she plays bridge with online.  She didn’t know any of them until she started playing bridge online.  Now they play bridge every day, and they occasionally have meet ups where they play for real.  That’s cool.

But enough of that, let’s talk about me.

I wish I had more to say.  I’ve been in a creative slump for awhile now.  Partly because I’ve been busy, partly because I haven’t felt great, mostly because I’ve allowed it to happen.

I’m tempted to blame depression, but that’s too easy.  I am afflicted with a mild depression that fluctuates from barely noticeable to fairly strong (there’s a clinical term for it, but there’s also no reason for us to get into that right now), and lately it’s been on an upswing.  The depression itself is all the more annoying because I don’t have much to be depressed about.  I’m honestly happier than I’ve been since… I don’t remember, at least since high school.  Things are great, except for my job, but most of my friends have jobs they don’t particularly love, that’s why it’s a job, right, and I’ve had worse jobs.  Hell, my job ain’t so bad.  I got to watch a hummingbird webcam today.  For so many years, when I got depressed, at least I had something to point at.  Not now.  I am depressed in spite of nothing to be depressed about.  That’s a bitch, brother.

I’m tempted to blame depression for my lack of creativity, but I think it’s probably just as likely that I’m depressed because I haven’t been exercising my creativity enough.  I’ve allowed myself to be slack.

Oh, I’ve blogged every day, and that’s good, but I’ve allowed that to be “enough”.  And it isn’t.  I haven’t written enough reviews.  I haven’t touched MASTODON/DETHKLOK in weeks.  I haven’t touched RAIN OF TERROR in weeks.

To be fair, the Herzog review I wrote the other day was pretty good.  And I felt better after writing it.  But I know I need to spend more time with my fiction.  I also know, if I allow myself to consider it, why I’m neglecting my fiction.  It’s not something I should discuss here.  Which of course means I will probably spill it all to you in a few days, but for now, at least, I’m going to try and be a good boy.

I’m hoping tonight will inspire me.  Tonight is the Kick Off party for the Austin Film Race 2010, and even though we’re not participating, Tara and I are going to go out and give this thing the Kick Off it deserves.  I haven’t spent enough time with film makers lately, and I’m hoping that being around a few directors, and a producer or two, will make the juices flow again.  Or at least make me want to let the juices flow again.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I need constant feedback and support or I wither and die.  I’m like a flower, but I live on adoration.  LOVE ME, damn it!

Love me, and/or give me a job where I get paid to write and be creative.  This is all I ask of you.

Well, that and one more thing…

Be good to each other.

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