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What’s a Meta for?

Posted by Mick on March 25, 2010 – 10:22 pm

I’m trying very hard not to stress out tonight, but it’s not easy.  The fate of the world rests on my shoulders.

It’s not really the fate of the world.  It is the fate of myself and 9 other people, some of whom are friends and some of whom are merely friends of friends.  And just because they are friends of friends and not actually friends doesn’t mean they are any less important.  Frankly, I’m shocked that you would imply that.

Nevertheless, their fate rests on my shoulders.  Although in this case, shoulders is really just a metaphor – wait, is it really a metaphor, or is it a simile?  This is why I didn’t like English in school, I wasn’t encouraged to write cool stuff, I was forced to learn metaphors and similes and clauses.  I showed them.  I may have learned it, but it didn’t stick.  Hang on for a second…

My lovely wife informs me it’s neither a metaphor nor a simile.  It’s simple hyperbole.  Which is a bit of an oxymoron, if you ask me, since hyperbole is a gross exaggeration.  So it’s a simple gross exaggeration.

UNRELATED SIDE NOTE:  I love that last night’s South Park not only made a joke out of Sarah Jessica Parker’s appearance but repeated it to the point of ridiculousness.  I also love that at one point they referred to her as a “transvestite donkey witch”.

But wait!  Logically, I’ve already defused the hyperbole by explaining that it’s really only the fate of myself and nine other people.  Therefore, when I say their fate rests on my shoulders, shoulders actually is a metaphor.  It’s a metaphor for my fingertips (for reasons which I will explain in the next paragraph unless I get sidetracked, in which case it could be two or even possibly three paragraphs later).  I did know what I was talking about.  I really should learn to trust myself more.

The fate of 10 wonderful people depends on my and my fingertips.  At straight up twelve noon, I have to buy tickets to an event.  This event very well may sell out in a matter of minutes.  One slip on the keyboard, one mistyped number, and I could lose out.  Almost as bad, I could get bad seats.  This is one of those “assigned seating” events, which is why I’m getting 10 tickets.  Someone decided we should all sit together, and that would require everyone to get tickets in the same batch.  There’s a fear that I won’t get my tickets and miss the event, there’s a bigger fear that everyone will be mad at me if I don’t get the tickets.  If I screw this up, I might be shunned.  I don’t want to be shunned.  There are few greater shames in the geek world than a shunning.

What event could I, and eight of my friends, be so worked up about?  I hesitate to tell you, because if you don’t know about it already then you might decide to compete with me for these tickets and this I do not want.

Then again, the odds are pretty good that I’m going to tell you what this event is and, if you don’t already know about it, you’re reaction will be a confused one.  If I close my eyes, I can see the bemused look on your face as you mutter under your breath “they are actually going to pay for that?”.

The event is a screening of the Weird Al Yankovic film UHF, in beautiful 35mm projection on the big screen.  Preceded by a theater full of idiots singing along to Weird Al videos.  Followed by a live Q&A with the man himself, Al Yankovic.  Yes, this will be one of the highlights of my year.  I’m even going to the after party, where we will consume Twinkie Wiener Dog Sandwiches.


I’m going to try and get to sleep.  I’ll need all my wits about me to pull this off.

Be good to each other.

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