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Lazar Wolf

Posted by Mick on March 7, 2010 – 1:02 am

I’m not a letter writer.  Since I am an avowed non-writer of letters, I’m unsure what the ethical issues would be were I to write and publish an “open letter” to anyone.  Lest I run afoul of the authorities, I will, therefore, not be posting an open letter to the writer of Fiddler on the Roof.

But if I were to compose such a letter, which I have no intention of doing, I would have to ask him how.  How can you have a character named Lazar Wolf – for those of you who haven’t seen Fiddler, there is actually a character, a butcher in fact, named Lazar Wolf.  It is pronounced Lay-Zer.  Lazar Wolf.  I didn’t want to believe it, so I looked it up in the playbill (which wasn’t an actual Playbill, it was a program, but that doesn’t matter right now) and yes I heard it right, his name is Lazar Wolf.

How can you have a character named Lazar Wolf in your play, and at no point does he shoot anyone with his eye lasers?

And do not try to tell me he doesn’t have laser eyes.  A character named Lazar Wolf is a super hero, that goes without saying.  His name is Lazar, therefor his powers have something to do with lasers.  His last name is Wolf, so the lasers are going to be organic rather than a device.  No other organic possibility is as cool as laser eyes.  Lazar Wolf had laser eyes.  Just because we never saw them doesn’t mean they didn’t exist.  It means he never used them.

That’s right, he never used them.  Not when the Tzar’s bully-boys broke up a wedding.  Not when the same bully-boys kicked them all out of the village. Put me in that situation and give me eye lasers, I’m using the lasers.  Hell, I’m doing everything with my lasers.  I’m chopping wood with my lasers, I’m opening walnuts with my eye lasers, I’m showing off my lasers at any excuse.  Eye lasers are bad ass.

Perhaps Lazar Wolf is a man of peace.  He refuses to use his powers as a weapon.  Is that honorable, cowardly, or irresponsible?

This is why they don’t let me in to more Musical Theater.  In all honesty, though, my favorite part of the evening was watching them roll the scenery in and out and around.  It was a marvelous bit of engineering.  One of the main set pieces was actually 4 or 5 different sets.  It spun around with sets on three sides, and opened up like a Barbie Dream House to reveal another set, or maybe two more, I got confused.  Things glided and rolled and spun and it was fascinating.  The people who made that stuff, and the people who manipulated it throughout the show… where was their applause?  Why didn’t they get to take a bow?

I should go to bed now, because I have an early breakfast with my parents.  Breakfast is at 10, and that is early for me on a Sunday.

On a typical Sunday, I might be asleep at 10, or I might be awake.  It’s a 50/50 shot.  I am never showered, dressed, or out of the house at 10.  But I love my parents, and we’ll be going to the Original Pancake House, which isn’t as good as Waffle House but is still pretty good.  It’s also 5 minutes from the house as opposed to Waffle House which is 20-30 minutes.

What I’m trying to say is Austin needs more Waffle House locations.  Someone should do something about that.

Goodnight, my lovelies.  Be good to each other.


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